"Maria"

Maria was born in Mexico nineteen years ago; the third youngest of eleven children. During the winter of 1997, some time around Christmas, Maria came to the United States. Neither the cold or la migra kept her and her mother from coming to the US by crossing the Tijuana/US border. All her brothers and sisters had resided in California for over fifteen years by the time Maria's parents decided to separate and get divorced. My mother decided to leave Mexico to be away from my father. We had no other option. Teniamos que reunirnos con el resto de nuestra familia pero sin mi padre.     She arrived safely after paying los coyotes almost $4,000 dollars for helping her and her mother a cruzar la frontera. Maria's brothers and sisters were all legal residents, so immediately after their arrival, she and her mother filed for legal residence in California. Maria entered a local high school and learned English in only two years. The counselors at the high school noticed the commitment Maria had to graduate. She was in honor courses and was earning A's in all her classes. "Maria, why don't you think about college?" counselors would ask and suggested she apply without hesitation. When Maria's siblings came to the US, they dedicated their lives to working in the fields or in any cheap labor to support one another and still be able to send money to their mother and younger sister in Mexico. This was the reason no one else in Maria's family furthered their education. I am the first in my family to graduate from high school and go onto college. When my siblings came to the US, they dedicated themselves to working hard to support my mother and this was the reason for them not furthering their education. It was easier for me to continue my education when I arrived, since I didn't have to work to support my family.     Maria was accepted, without any reservations or questions asked, into a California State University. Before beginning the four-year journey through higher education, she applied to a college bound program to prepare her to embark on this trip without any fears. Indeed, she finished the four-week long program successfully and in the fall of the year 2000, Maria began a new life. She was now surrounded by many other students her own age, sharing the experience of all-nighters and eating the disgusting, tasteless, and fatty cafeteria food. Maria even met a young man in one of her classes, Pedro, who would become her partner through painful experiences with discrimination and disillusion in higher education. I feel that my blood boils because of the fact that not having legal documents can change somebody's life completely. I cannot understand why the US claims to give freedom to everyone and how the law denies freedom to everyone by excluding some and only including others. I am not like everybody else and that is why I am treated as less than everybody else. How is it possible that "we" do not have the same rights as other human beings?     Unfortunately, when Maria applied to California State Universities, she was never advised as to what the process entailed and she had to fill out all the applications on her own. I never thought about money and no one ever told me anything about financial aid or loans. I didn't think about it. I didn't know I had to pay a higher price than others do. Maria believed her high school 4.3 GPA had a lot to do with her acceptance into higher education. She had earned her position in those classrooms. Maria signed up for six four-unit courses in one semester, passing them all with a B grade or higher. Maria didn't qualify for financial aid because she had not received a legal social security number yet and therefore she used a fake number, providing whatever nine digits first came to mind. My paperwork was still pending in the INS offices. I didn't think about it. I see this as a tragedy now because it is not easy to constantly keep thinking about the money you owe and where that money is going to come from. I have not been able to sleep peacefully ever since.     Maria's legal status became clear to administrators and the financial aid director when the paperwork was rejected by the FAFSA offices because of the unusual social security number. Maria did not qualify for any assistance to attend the California State University system and if she wished to continue in school she had to pay non-resident tuition which was over $7,000 dollars per semester. From the day Maria found out she didn't qualify for any money, her life took a drastic turn which would define the rest of her life as a student in higher education. Since the day I found out the school was charging me all that money, I have not stopped thinking about it. There isn't a day I don't think about this money problem. No puedo dormir.     Maria comes from a low-income family. Her family struggled to buy her the necessities: soap, shampoo, bed covers, telephone, and other materials any college student needs. When Maria realized that that was too much money to pay for her education, she kept all her fears and all this knowledge to herself. Maria would avoid visiting her familia on weekends to prevent the truth from escaping through her aching heart and sad eyes. She researched Latino organizations such as LULAC and the UFW to ask if they would fund her education as sponsors. She spoke with administrators she thought were on her side, but they all told her the same thing: "I cannot help you." Maria would think of other possibilities and of solutions to her problem, but never about telling her mother and siblings.     One day, the college's Vice President of Student Affairs, "Mr. Gonzalez," called Maria into his office to inform her she had to leave the university because it was unethical for an "illegal alien" to be at such institution. Mr. Gonzalez, whose parents are both Mexican, told Maria that illegal Mexicans didn't deserve to be here. Maria never expected this person to discriminate against her at such level. Mi propia raza no me quiere ayudar. Mr. Gonzalez told Maria to pay or else. I am afraid that the government might take the little my family has because of my fault. Maria pretended to be strong in front of her proud mother and siblings. After all she was the first one to get this far and she wasn't going to ruin their hopes and dreams. Mr. Gonzalez told Maria she had to thank him and his wife for not reporting her to the INS. No puedo seguir pretendiendo que la sangre no me arde por dentro. I want to be strong, but for how much longer? How could I thank him for hurting me? Maria felt completely helpless but continued putting on the happy facade and succeeding in her classes. She was advised to finish the semester and then transfer to a community college. But, she still had to pay all that money. Maria couldn't understand why she had to go through this even though her siblings were all legal residents and they were all contributing to this society. Why? Maria felt disgusted and perhaps hatred towards those individuals who had not helped her and who continued humiliating and lying to her. They had not stopped lying to her. Maria felt no one cared about her life. Crazy thoughts crossed her mind. Perhaps, if I just disappeared…if I was invisible or left this world, no one would hurt me anymore.     Maria's only desire was not to hurt her family. She would not tell them the truth ever, unless the INS deported her. Maria kept going. She kept thinking about succeeding despite the odds and one day being so powerful that nobody would hurt her again and then she would hurt them. When she was alone, crying desperately, she blamed her parents. If only they hadn't gotten divorced. But, I do not blame them for what I am going through. I do not regret what my life has turned into. Maria truly believes that destiny has lots in store for us and that all happens for a reason. Maria's aspiration to get through this dilemma is what kept her going.     What Maria has gone through is just one experience of a Mexican immigrant woman. Ella es una mujer que tiene dreams and goals pero desafortunadamente they are shattered by others' lack of compassion and understanding of the different experiences women have in this country. Maria me enseño que el dream to succeed surpasses all types and forms of oppression, even from nuestra propia raza. This experience has helped Maria see the world in a different way. She no longer thinks that life is easy. She no longer trusts just anyone, she is more careful when making decisions and living her life. Maria desires with all her heart to become a US citizen to be able to have rights and opportunities in this society. She doesn't want to be looked down upon or to be seen as an insect, a parasite of society. I think that we all should be able to move forward and continue with our education, because in reality I truly believe it is possible.     Maria finished the fall 2000 semester with a 4.0 GPA and she is now attending a local community college close to home. She had found a part-time job and she made arrangements with the university to pay monthly installments on the debt. Ya no le tengo confianza a nadie. I thought they wanted to help me. I thought they weren't lying to me when they said I could go there. But they were. I will continue studying because this is the best way out for me. This is the only way out. I know that one day I will be able to fight them back because knowledge will give me that power. What keeps Maria going is the desire to succeed one day and help others who are in similar situations as she once was. Maria's story is one to learn determination and commitment to education from. I have not heard from her anymore, but she has definitely taught me a lot. Even during the hardest of times, one must never give up because dreams are what keep us going.

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