To the 'me' that was then.

knotted white shoelaces
tied to a closet bar
subtly swaying a soft
battery-operated light
above
my tiny, young self

not supposed to remember
...
my arms tightly embrace my legs
i rest my chin between my knees
to be as small as I could be
to be invisible
to go away
yet wrapped up in myself
i know i am still here
alive
surviving

not supposed to remember
...
it is always the same
bottles crash onto peeling walls
the smell of vodka permeates the air
little feet seek comfort in the dark closet

not supposed to remember
...

dammit. unlock this door or i'll break it down.
frightful words beat soft skin
as hard as baseball bats
where the hell is my bottle. dammit, if you poured it down the drain
again.
i am propped against dusty pillows
my sopping eyes close
just run away, it would make my life so much easier without you.
i pray
the towel protects
all light from escaping
under the door
into her bloodshot eyes
i never want to see you again
...
not supposed to remember
I DO.